


The need to be touched

by Dontevenknow_56



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: F/F, I had to write this, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, they're just so cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-24 18:31:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18168665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dontevenknow_56/pseuds/Dontevenknow_56
Summary: Juliana deals with the need to be touched by Valentina. (Don't know how to describe it, but it's pure fluff)





	1. Chapter 1

Juliana had never longed for comfort or closeness from people. She didn’t feel like she needed it, or maybe the feeling hadn’t been awakened yet. Growing up with an abusive father and a distant mother had done that to her. She had grown accustomed to experiencing love and affection in a very different way than most people.

It was when she met Valentina that the yearning to be touched awoke. A yearning that soon turned into an insatiable need.

Valentina had always been a touchy-feely person. She would hug, caress and kiss Juliana just because, and the latter hadn’t understood it at the beginning. It put her out of place at first, but with the passing of time, every time Valentina touched her sparked something inside her. A tiny flame that felt all too intense, but faded way too quickly, and left Juliana craving for more.

However, it was hard for Juliana to initiate something that lead to that feeling, like hugging or reaching her hand to hold Valentina’s. It was not because she didn’t want to, but because she was not used to wanting or needing to feel contact. The intrinsic need to feel skin on skin interaction with none other than with Valentina scared her beyond comprehension. It made her feel like clay awaiting to be molded at Valentina’s disposition, and even though she trusted her with her life, she still felt insecure about it. The rational part of her knew that Valentina cared for her deeply, and would most likely never hurt her, but her emotions betrayed her. They whispered in her ear that if she reached for Valentina, she would maybe refuse her touch. And if that ever were to happen, Juliana would feel the most vulnerable and rejected she had ever felt in her life.

She tried to push herself gradually. For example, when they were watching a movie, Juliana would let her head fall on Valentina’s shoulder and leave her hand open for Valentina to intertwine their fingers. When they walked side by side, Juliana would causally bump into her softly, so that Valentina would wrap an arm around her waist. She would push herself even beyond that and pretend there was something on Valentina’s hair so that she could reach her hand and run her fingers through her soft locks.

But then there were certain situations that would not present Juliana with the excuse to touch Valentina.

Like tonight.

They were both laying on Valentina’s bed watching Iron Man on Valentina’s flat screen. Valentina had her arms comfortably wrapped around herself as she invested her full attention in the plot, all this while Juliana twiddled and fidgeted on her side of the mattress. It was as if a buzzing flare of energy coursed through her and begged her to reach for Valentina. To wrap her arms around her. To cuddle her into her chest and kiss her forehead. But every time she felt she had the guts to do it, something inside her screamed no and pulled her back to her position. As if she were at war with herself.

It was unlike Valentina to not reach for Juliana, but when the movie ended and Valentina asked her to sleep over, Juliana felt relief. This was it. She knew Valentina liked cuddling in her sleep, and Juliana wasted no time in readying herself for bed so that the other girl would wrap her arms around her. Again, the buzzing energy was implacable, and the want… the _need_ to feel Valentina touching her intensified.

But then, Valentina turned off the lights, kissed her cheek softly, wished her good night and pulled a comforter around her while turning to give her back to her.

Juliana blinked a couple of times. The kiss on her cheek had calmed the roaring sensation in her stomach, but it had not appeased it. As a matter of fact, the tingling awareness grew louder with every passing second. It now roamed her body, flowed through her veins and incessantly begged her to reach for Valentina.

Juliana tried to lay still, but her own body betrayed her. She tossed to her side, trying to accept defeat, but then tossed to the other when she couldn’t let her mind wander off. After a while of tossing and turning, Juliana’s breath hitched when she saw the silhouette of Valentina’s head raise slightly from the pillow.

“Cariño?” she whispered with a soft voice, raspy with sleep.

The term of endearment almost made Juliana groan. Why did she have to be so cute? Didn’t she know what she was doing to her?

“What is it Val?” she asked, hopeful.

“Te estás moviendo mucho (you’re moving way too much).”

“Sorry,” Juliana whispered, sincerely feeling sorry for not letting Valentina sleep. “It’s just…”

“What?” Valentina asked more awake now.

“I… I’m cold,” she chickened out. She could not bring herself to ask Valentina to hold her and it infuriated her. It almost made her want to cry about it. About how much of a loser she felt. Still, her negative feelings dimmed again by the hope that maybe Valentina would turn around and wrap her arms around her.

“You could grab another comforter if you want,” Valentina offered. “They’re in the wooden trunk over there,” she signaled with her head before she sunk back into her slumber.

It took everything Juliana had in her to not grab a pillow and scream into it. She decided to not even get up from the bed, because she wasn’t actually cold at all. She stared at the ceiling as she traced its pattern with her eyes. She then tried to count sheep, all to no avail. She tossed on her side again a little too roughly as she huffed.

“Chiquita…” she heard Valentina complain. Juliana stood still for a few moments before she heard Valentina’s breathing even out again. She ran her hands through her own hair and let out a shaky breath.

She had to do it. She had to reach for Valentina first. But maybe she was now angry at her. What if she pushed her away? The mere thought of it made Juliana recoil. To witness Valentina’s rejection would surely feel like one of the worst things to ever experience.

Still, she had to. Not only to get some sleep and ease the need… but for herself. Even though she felt like she didn’t deserve to claim attention. Even though something inside her brain told her that she would surely be pushed away. Even though she was scared to death… she had to.

Juliana tentatively slid closer to Valentina’s side. A knot in her throat and a hammering in her heart, she carefully raised a hand and caressed Valentina’s arm through the comforter. Juliana lightly traced her fingers over the fabric without putting too much pressure for Valentina to actually feel it.

After a minute or so had passed and she felt comfortable enough, her fingers skidded to Valentina’s hair. Juliana raised her head and saw that a few hairs were softly laying on her face, so she cautiously combed them away from her eyes. She quickly raised her hand as if awaiting a reaction, but Valentina simply sighed and curled herself into a little ball. Juliana’s ached again as she witnessed how adorable Valentina looked: Her hair was disheveled, her eyebrows lightly knitted together, and her lips were a little bit swollen, making it look as if she were pouting slightly. The urge to call her ‘bebita’ crossed her mind, but she swallowed it.

Juliana sighed and continued to run her fingers through Valentina’s hair lightly, carefully avoiding any knots as to not wake her. But still… it wasn’t enough. Juliana needed more. To touch more. To _feel_ more. She slipped down a little so that they her eyes rested on the back of Valentina’s head. She took a deep breath and slowly draped her arm around the girl, pulling herself gently to her.

It was then that she felt Valentina suddenly tense. Juliana’s eyes widened, but she didn’t move. Should she pretend to be asleep? No, it was too obvious that she wasn’t. Should she move? Should-

Her thoughts died when Valentina rose to a sitting position, and Juliana’s arm fell from around her. Juliana bit her lip, trying to contain the tears that threatened to flow. She didn’t want to move away too quickly. That way Valentina wouldn’t notice how much she was affected. But Juliana’s demeanor changed when Valentina quickly, but surely, got rid of the comforter that cocooned her and tossed it to the floor. She didn’t look at Juliana as she laid back down on the mattress, her back inching closer to Juliana’s front.

Juliana gulped and stayed still. Was this an invitation to spoon her? Or had Valentina simply felt hot with the comforter? After a few seconds of debate, Valentina turned her head to look at her.

“Hold me?” she whispered.

And Juliana felt her heart break. It broke into tiny million pieces… but not for a bad reason. She didn’t know her heart could feel so much, could ache so much, from something as simple as Valentina asking to be held. She felt the tension she had felt not only on that day, but on the days before, tumble away as she let of a long, shaky sigh. The sudden urge to cry claimed her, but she pushed it down. Her eyes went back to Valentina, who looked at her questioningly, but Juliana shook her head with a smile.

Valentina shuffled closer to her again, and Juliana got the hint and draped her arm around her waist. She buried her nose in her soft hair and she inhaled her shampoo. Valentina hummed quietly as she treaded her fingers with Juliana’s above her waist.

“Te quiero,” Valentina whispered after a little while.

Juliana smiled and nuzzled the back of her head.

“Yo también te quiero.”

“What took you so long?” Valentina asked with a little yawn. She then rubbed her thumb across Juliana’s hand in a soothing manner.

Juliana stayed silent for a moment as it dawned on her: Valentina had acted more distant so Juliana could get closer to her on her own. So she could push herself to do the things that scared her. Juliana smiled sadly as she acknowledged this and let her head drop to Valentina’s shoulder. She carefully swiped her hair out of the way and began placing soft kisses on the skin she could reach. She then kissed the back of Valentina’s neck and stayed there, hidden from the world.

Valentina sighed contently and brought their joined hands to her lips to kiss the back of Juliana’s lovingly. She kept their hands on the level of her lips, and Juliana could feel her breath, grounding her to the moment they were experiencing.

“¿Hablamos mañana? (We’ll talk tomorrow?)” Valentina whispered as she drifted off to sleep.

Juliana raised her head to look down at her and smiled. The buzzing in her body had subsided and was now replaced with a hum that sang her to sleep. She felt relaxed and at ease feeling the skin on skin contact. She indulged in the urge to place more kisses on Valentina, letting her lips travel from the back of her neck to her shoulder again and then below her ear. She felt Valentina sigh again and let her intertwine their legs, so they became a human pretzel.

Juliana laughed at the premise before kissing the side of Valentina’s head one last time.

“We’ll talk tomorrow.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kind comments! I felt more at ease knowing that I'm not the only one who struggles with this.  
> Here's the sencond part :)  
> I would love to know what you think

Valentina woke up the next day to find the bed empty. The comforter she had discarded throughout the night was now carefully tucked over her, providing her with the warmth Juliana failed to give her at the moment.

She frowned. Waking up alone was not in any of the scenarios she played out in her mind last night for when she woke up. She had expected having a deep, loving conversation with Juliana in her arms. She wanted to let her know how proud she was of her.

And she truly was proud. _So proud_. She knew it was difficult for Juliana to voice her feelings… to act on her own needs and desires, and the fact that she had done so last night was a huge step for not only their relationship, but for Juliana’s own person.

Nevertheless, there was still work to do. It was not that Valentina enjoyed denying Juliana affection or keeping distance from her. As a matter of fact, she loathed it. She always yearned and ached to touch her girl; to shower her with the love and affection she deserved. To show her, through her love, how important she was. But she also knew that she had to push Juliana a little so that she could feel more comfortable with herself and around Valentina as well.

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, got up from the messy bed, and padded down the stairs to the first floor.

A few noises coming from utensils and pans called her to the kitchen, joined by the sound of soft music. Chivis and Tiberio had asked for a weekend off so they could celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, meaning that either Juliana or Lucía were busy making breakfast, considering that Guille was with Renata and Eva could not cook for the life of her. What Valentina didn’t expect was to find both Juliana and Lucía talking softly, but animatedly, and helping each other out with the morning meal.

“Could you pass me that thing? The metal thing over there,” Lucía signaled as she bit her lip, trying to remember the utensil’s name.

“The whisker?”

“Yes! The whisker, that’s the one,” she said with a smile as Juliana extended the stirring tool.

Both were unaware that Valentina observed them from the entry with her side pressed to the doorframe. It was impossible to not smile at the sight: Lucía was now busy whisking pancake mix, adding a few chocolate chips in the process, while Juliana focused on chopping apples and pears into even pieces. All this while a pan of scrambled eggs and a skillet of bacon rested hot on the stove. The music that played in the background eased any awkward silences, creating a peaceful atmosphere.

Valentina felt an unfamiliar warmth set in her heart as she heard Lucía talk about León to Juliana. She even shared some memories that involved Valentina and the other Carvajal siblings, and some that belonged to Lucía and him alone. Juliana listened intently as she worked around the kitchen comfortably, as if she had been there a thousand times. The idea of her girlfriend and her stepmother bonding over something so simple as breakfast made her heart thump unevenly with joy.

“And how was León with Valentina? Was he a good father?” Juliana asked, genuinely interested.

“The best,” Valentina answered for Lucía, giving away her stance. As she made her way to them, Valentina noticed the differences in their smiles and looks: While Lucía offered her a beam that masked a motherly tone, Juliana smiled at her with a look so intense that could only be described as purely romantic.

“I see this sleepyhead is up,” Lucía teased before she kissed Valentina’s cheek. “Maybe you could help Juliana out with breakfast? I have some things I need to attend to before today’s meeting with the board.”

The elegant woman walked to the doorway and gave Valentina a wink that made her blush a little bit.

“Oh, and Juliana,” she added, to which Juliana raised her head from the fruit she was chopping. “It was nice talking to you. Don’t let Valentina burn anything.”

Lucía darted out of the room followed by an outraged “hey!” from Valentina and a heartily laugh from Juliana. Valentina chuckled to herself and turned to look at her girlfriend. Juliana gave her a soft smile before she resumed her work.

Valentina carefully walked to her. She casually placed herself behind her, leaving a few centimeters in between them as she watched what Juliana was doing from over her shoulder. She could sense the buzzing energy that coursed through them. Like a magnetic field tried to push them together. It was something unexplainable… but she knew Juliana felt it too.

Nonetheless, she waited. She waited for Juliana to make the first move. She _wanted_ her to make the first move.

When Juliana seemed to sense this, she pushed herself back against Valentina with hesitance, her eyes never leaving the task that kept her entertained. When Valentina felt Juliana’s back against her front, she beamed. ‘Baby steps’, she thought to herself.

Whatever lesson or aim she was going for with Juliana, it flew out the window when Valentina felt Juliana sigh and relax into her. The taller girl cautiously wrapped her arms around Juliana’s waist and breathed her scent. She then dropped her head to her shoulder and kissed it through the fabric of her shirt.

“Qué estás haciendo? (What are you doing?)” Valentina whispered curiously, even though she evidently knew what the other girl was doing. She grinned again when Juliana let her head fall back slightly against Valentina.

“I missed you this morning,” Valentina added nuzzling her neck as she held Juliana closer to her. She peeked around her and saw that Juliana was smiling brightly, and her heart fluttered.

“Perdón, Val. But I was hungry, and it looked like you were not getting up anytime soon,” Juliana teased.

Valentina fake gasped and pinched her side playfully. “Well, señorita, I had a little trouble sleeping,” she whispered and kissed the back of Juliana’s head.

The air in the room changed after Valentina’s words. Juliana grew still for a few seconds before she continued with her work under Valentina’s stare. Her movements became a little more erratic and hesitant. Valentina quickly picked up the other girl’s nervousness, and she carefully retrieved the knife from the darker brunette’s hands and placed it beside the cutting board to avoid any accidents.

Juliana sighed, stressed, as she let her head drop forward.

“¿Quieres que hablemos de lo de anoche? (Do you want to talk about last night?)” Valentina asked, releasing her hold on her.

Juliana shook her head.

“Juls…”

“Ahora no, Val (Not now),” Juliana said, releasing a shaky breath.  

Valentina nodded to herself, feeling a little down. Sometimes things were like this with Juliana: when Valentina thought they had hit a milestone with one of Juliana’s insecurities, Juliana’s walls would come back up if she didn’t feel ready to address a certain subject. Valentina would be lying if she said it didn’t stress her. As a matter of fact, at the beginning it made her feel mad. Mad at the thought that Juliana pushed her away on purpose. But with time, she learned. She learned about Juliana’s rocky upbringing; about her father abandoning and abusing her verbally. About her mom, who despite being there, couldn’t manage to provide Juliana with the attention she had needed back then.

Taking all of this into account helped Valentina get through it. But even though she understood, she was still affected by it. Not because she thought Juliana was angry at her or wanted to distance herself, but because Valentina knew she could only do so much. And this was beyond her control.

“I’m going to go see if Lucía needs help with anything,” Valentina said, her eyes cast down. It was a terrible excuse, but she felt the need to be by herself. To think things more clearly.

“Val,” Juliana sighed.

“It’s okay, Juls. We’re okay,” she assured with a small kiss to the side of Juliana’s head and with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes before she exited the kitchen.

 ---

It was around midday when Juliana brought up the subject. They had been working in silence for about an hour, Valentina busy writing an article about organizational psychology for a class, and Juliana was supposedly busy drawing a few sketches for her Tuesday presentation about Mexican summer trends.

Juliana watched from across the table at how Valentina cutely frowned in confusion, the tip of the pen she was holding occasionally meeting her teeth. She adjusted her glasses before she continued typing energetically, her eyes widened as a new idea or approach to her article struck her.

Juliana, on the other hand, had not made any progress. Her mind was still wrapped around last night and this morning.

“Val,” Juliana said after a few seconds.

“Hmmm?” Valentina answered distractedly, her fingers still typing on her computer.

“I… can we talk?”

Valentina instantly looked up from her work. She looked closely at Juliana, as if trying to decipher her thoughts. She then closed her laptop and walked around so she could sit on the chair next to her girlfriend.

“Of course we can talk, baby. What’s on your mind?” she asked warmly.

Juliana felt a knot set in her throat when Valentina held one of her hands. She couldn’t fathom how she still put up with her. How patient she was. How she had easily discarded her work so she could focus solely on her. Thinking about it brought tears to her eyes, but when she noticed Valentina beginning to get worried, she quickly swallowed them down.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry,” Juliana began. When Valentina shook her head, Juliana spoke again.

“No, Val, please listen to me. I know we’ve talked about how feeling this way and reacting this way is not my fault. I know that. And I know I’ve made some progress. But I also know that coming to terms with this doesn’t make things easier for you. I still struggle. And maybe I’ll continue to struggle for a long time. Hopefully not forever,” Juliana released a choked laugh.

Valentina gave her a pained smile and raised her hand to caress her cheek. Juliana leaned into the touch before continuing.

“And I’m sorry. I’m not saying it to come across as a victim. I truly am sorry. I’ll try to work harder on this. I’ll work on becoming the best version of myself. For you.”

At this, Valentina shook her head more decidedly and cupped Juliana’s cheeks.

“No, mi amor. Work on being the best version of yourself _for you._ ”

Valentina’s words and caresses pushed a new flow of tears out of her eyes. Valentina bit her lip as she wiped the tears away with her thumbs. She mirrored Juliana’s pained expression for a few moments before sobering up. Her girlfriend needed her, and she was going to be strong for her.

Valentina sighed. “Juliana, I know that this is hard for you. But I also know you don’t do this on purpose. Like you said, it’s a struggle. And you have no idea of how proud it makes me that you’re willing to work on it. I’m proud of the person you’re becoming, and I’m so thankful that I get to witness your successes _and_ your struggles. I love you, baby, through the highs and lows. And óyeme bien una cosa (listen carefully): Nothing related to this is going to push me away from you, okay? Never.”

Valentina smiled softly and leaned closer to kiss Juliana for a few seconds to assure her not only with words, but with actions.

“You don’t ever have to apologize for anything related to that, Juls. But I’m grateful that you chose to talk about it with me. I’ll always listen. I’ll always be here for you. You’re not a victim, beautiful. You’re the bravest person I know. You’ve been through so much and you’re still here. You’re here with me.”

Juliana bit her lip to stop if from quavering. She groaned internally when she experienced the focus of her struggles at that exact moment: she needed to touch Valentina. She needed to feel her closeness. To feel her love.

She gulped and ground her teeth, almost angry with herself. But if Valentina believed in her so much, well, damn it, so could she.

Valentina widened her eyes when Juliana pulled her a tad aggressively to her, secluding herself into her embrace. After a few seconds of shock, Valentina grinned and wrapped her arms around the girl’s frame, holding her tight against her. They stayed in silence for a while, basking in the comfort that the physical touch provided for both of them.

Juliana closed her eyes, allowing Valentina’s hug to comfort her and hide her from the world for just a few moments. Valentina was her safe place. And she always would be.

Valentina tilted her head and kissed Juliana’s cheek. Then her neck, and then her shoulder, all this while rubbing her hands up and down Juliana’s back to soothe her.

“I’m so proud of you, baby. _So proud._ ” Valentina whispered against Juliana’s neck.

Juliana released a shaky breath. She didn’t know how things would play out in the future. She didn’t know how much progress she could make. But she did know one thing:

If Valentina was by her side to go through it, she could surely accomplish anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Has what Juliana is experiencing ever happened to you? It happens to me a lot. Like I need an excuse to give or receive affection.


End file.
